The Thirteen Tales

On the weekend before the High Gay holdiay of Halloween, the Rents have decided to decend upon Rochester, MN once again.

No naked hot tub party on Friday night, No going out with David on Saterday, and no art fest on Sunday. *sigh*. The icing on the cake, is I work wed, thrus, and monday. No time for kevin. The dream of having an entire weekend to myself, is nothing more than a SHITTY ass fucking pipe dream.

At times I feel I have so much going on, that I am over loaded with projects, ideas, and anything else one can think of. Maybe it would be better if life was just a little bit more simple. Maybe this conglobulation is the making of my own doing.

Had a stimulating conversation with my Stoner antique dealers tonight. Talked about Fate, David, and the fine art of Gay sex. I may post the conversation, later.

Heard from Dave. He worked evening shift. He is definately thinking LONG term as far as a relationship goes, and althoug hthat gives me security, I'm such a live by the moment type of person.... I don't know.
And I don't know if I trust him right off hand. I still hvae my reseravations. Although the whole fate thing, settles my nervous stomach.

"and you give yourself away, and you give yourself away.....with or without you..."

In some aspects I've always had a seperate life from what my parents are aware of. This walter-mitty type of lifestyle rerupted during high school when I hid my homosexuality from everyone who was anyone. One secrete led to another, a domino effect with no ending.

Its a choice to choose what you want others to know about you. My personal life was no concern for my parents although I have respect for them. Great respect.

Living four hours north of any family members, I tend to have my own life and my own way of doing things. Not that I try to hide anything anymore, its the mere fact the distance gives me freedom I don't share.

Of course with the yearly arrival of the parents, my anxiety level shot up pretty high.

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My parents are here.

They have been angels, and wonderful. We have gotten along great, and there doesn't really seem to be much doom and gloom hanging overhead. Which is a good thing.

So many times, I feel if they come and just well put me down. Complain about my cleaning, my junk, ect ect. It is like if they havn't realise that just because i don't have a wife, I can take care of myself, and that I do make correct decisions, and I wasn't a failure.

THey have worked there fanny's off, and have done alot around the house. Alot of which I either wouldn't of done, or wouldn't know how to do. That is a good thing.

My mom intrusted me with her photos of her meeting KEvin Costner to do a scrapbook. I scrapbook. I love to do it, and have done numerouse books for numerouse people. Yes, its expensive, and yes time consuming, but I love to do it. I was nervouse to what my mom was going to think. So I took my time and slaved over it. SLAVED.

I finished it. Finished it to have her take a couple of the pages apart so she could fit all of the photos in. I don't use all the photos I ha ve. It is impossible, and frankly not all the photos turn out.

However it was hard to see my mom take apart a scrapbook I worked so hard on...to add all the photos in it.

IT was like all my hard work, FLUSHED down the toliet. My work, my slaving, and for what, nothing. WHat did it get me, anywhere...

and to be honest, it really just well hurt.....

The gift. Life's little gift.

I was the last person to see my Grandmother alive. She died shortly after my last vist. She was in a wheelchair, excited about her knee surgery (which she would never have), and happy and proud that I would be graduating college in a few weeks. I left, upsett to see her so frail, and I drove off.... it was a summer day.

That morning, I went to work for another Aid, and as I left my apt, I thought of not taking my cell phone, because I don't get calls anyway. No one calls me..... And I worked and life went on...

When I got back to the Apartment... there were messages on the machine. One of them, being my Dad to call him right away in the morning. Well it was already in the afternoon. I called him. He told me that Grandma has passed in the morning. I hung oup the phone. Laurie called me, and she wasn't handling it well. She was sent home from work. Ryan was sent home from work. I was the last to know. I didn't handle it well, and I lost it, and i ended up going home that night. It was just one of those things....

My mother mentioned something in an e-mail, and tonight, I was given the gift. Grandma had kept a journal. Unknown to myself.. and maybe my mother. She gave me the last few years... and now.. Grandma Speaks... her silent legacy.

I make bad choices. Bad decisions, especially when I've had a few, and in reality, I shouldn't even be drinking being on the Zoloft, and the fact that I didn't eat anything yesterday didn't help matters, but of course my self-defense mechnisms are fighting at full speed. It was completely wrong to sleep with Brian. Very wrong. I did it though, oh did I do it.

One thing I regret is not being close with my folks. I don't really tell them much, of anything, what I am plotting. Maybe it is rooted from hiding my sexuality from them all this time. Maybe it's just yet another defense mechinsim. They don't know I'm plotting to go abroad in March despite the political situation, or do they know anything about UW-La Crosse. At first I feel that I need their permission, and then at times, I feel that it is my life, and I am the world leader pretend.

It's been a fantasy of mine to have my own art opening with costumes that I have designed, slaved over and created. I feel that I do ok work. It works for me. That's all i have to say.

It's also been a fantasy of mine to do "the night larry kramer kissed me" by david drake. It's an amazing play, and I would love to do it. Somewhat of a dream of mine... maybe this is my chance.

E-mailed John a huge plethora of thougths. IT was about 5-10 e-mails, and now, now we wait for his response if any....

It's hard.. when you in a stand still to find directions out...