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Had kind of a trying day today.
Choices. Decisions. Directions.
And I must add, that if I see ANOTHER fucking 13, something is going to burst. I know it is a good omen, but of what? And what does it mean. I am not sure.
I know I don't suffer from TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA (fear of the #13), becuase it is not a fear. It is a good omen. It's comforting, but I am not sure exactly why. Somewhere I had a list of the history of the #13, i.e. 13 people at the last supper, as well as history of the 13 with me. And after I made the decision NOT to drive to Rochester and see Kim, I saw more 13's on the road. Maybe someone is trying to tell me something.
http://philologos.org/bpr/files/n018.htm
http://www.paddedroom.net/13.html
I felt better not going to see Kim. Driving across WI, and then to MN, and Back in one night, didn't seem worth it to me. I felt that HE wanted me to be there, instead of me actually wanted to do it. I felt if someone was pulling my strings, and for a moment in my life, I felt as if I had control over it. ANd maybe I do, and maybe I don't.
I felt bad in Millwaulkee for being antisocial, and not really hanging out, and leaving early. IT was something I felt I had to do. If that made me antisocial, or not wanted, then so be it.
I guess I am just sick of playing by rules. Rules i mean, that I have noticed that I set up these situations in my head, and react to them, like they exist, but they don't. For example, if someone gives me something, I feel LIke I have to return the offer. If someone is a friend of mine, I feel like I have to keep in contact with them all the time, and do something with them all the time, or they won't like me. Usually that is the consequence, that, that person or situation won;t like me. I guess I worry about it, and always have the fear that they won't like me, or I will be rejected. Maybe that is why I always get invovled in 1 night stands, or situations that I really don't ahve anything to do with, or control over.
And apart of me, feels that I really need to leave. That it is my time to go. I need to resettle somewhere else. Maybe to start afresh, maybe to try to make things that once were wrong, right. I don't know. Maybe I am babling.... I am unsure at this point.
And other times I feel like my life has been out of control. I have stopped taking my zoloft on a regular basis. And exactly how am I supposed to act like a 30 year old? When do I become an adult, or do I ever. When do you break the strings and start anew? When does it become YOUR life?!? I don't know, I am kind of asking....
Choices. Decisions. Directions.
And I must add, that if I see ANOTHER fucking 13, something is going to burst. I know it is a good omen, but of what? And what does it mean. I am not sure.
I know I don't suffer from TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA (fear of the #13), becuase it is not a fear. It is a good omen. It's comforting, but I am not sure exactly why. Somewhere I had a list of the history of the #13, i.e. 13 people at the last supper, as well as history of the 13 with me. And after I made the decision NOT to drive to Rochester and see Kim, I saw more 13's on the road. Maybe someone is trying to tell me something.
http://philologos.org/bpr/files/n018.htm
http://www.paddedroom.net/13.html
I felt better not going to see Kim. Driving across WI, and then to MN, and Back in one night, didn't seem worth it to me. I felt that HE wanted me to be there, instead of me actually wanted to do it. I felt if someone was pulling my strings, and for a moment in my life, I felt as if I had control over it. ANd maybe I do, and maybe I don't.
I felt bad in Millwaulkee for being antisocial, and not really hanging out, and leaving early. IT was something I felt I had to do. If that made me antisocial, or not wanted, then so be it.
I guess I am just sick of playing by rules. Rules i mean, that I have noticed that I set up these situations in my head, and react to them, like they exist, but they don't. For example, if someone gives me something, I feel LIke I have to return the offer. If someone is a friend of mine, I feel like I have to keep in contact with them all the time, and do something with them all the time, or they won't like me. Usually that is the consequence, that, that person or situation won;t like me. I guess I worry about it, and always have the fear that they won't like me, or I will be rejected. Maybe that is why I always get invovled in 1 night stands, or situations that I really don't ahve anything to do with, or control over.
And apart of me, feels that I really need to leave. That it is my time to go. I need to resettle somewhere else. Maybe to start afresh, maybe to try to make things that once were wrong, right. I don't know. Maybe I am babling.... I am unsure at this point.
And other times I feel like my life has been out of control. I have stopped taking my zoloft on a regular basis. And exactly how am I supposed to act like a 30 year old? When do I become an adult, or do I ever. When do you break the strings and start anew? When does it become YOUR life?!? I don't know, I am kind of asking....
