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Random Thoughts--
26 May 2003 01:48"Let us go then, you and I,
when the evening is spread out against the sky....
...in the room, the women come and go,
talking of Michelangleo.....
....For I have known them already, known them all--
Have known theevenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons..."
Last night, as Canadian Nurse John, and I headed back to the hotel, I had a wave of thoughts, of choices, of decisions. On how my life is right now... and how i don't care for it. On how upsett I was about the pageant, how I feel alone, and not wanted, and how men really suck. I tried my best to hit on 2 men, and failed missearbly, and I was wondering why I was just trying to get sex, was it because both men were attractive, or was it, because that is all i know.. and at that time, that is all i wanted. I ended up running into Scott (in the back room), and into Canadian Nurse John again in the techno room. He was drunk, anyone who shows up with a cocktal in one hand, a bottle of water in the other, and a cigarrette in my mouth.. drunk. It took all my strength to drag him back to the hotel, and then I ended up getting him completly undressed, (to shorts and briefs) and I didn't look. Although I should of..but I didn't. my dreams last night were odd...from John (my ex) to my god parents in a subway system, to gambleing, food, photos's, and a fight. It was odd......
I jsut wonder if there is someone out there for me, or if not. Or if all I am, is just a big joke.
Maybe I should move, maybe I should this, or that. Right now, I have all these options and none seem to be the right one...
... I have a karla apointment this week. Looking forward to that... although I really should book 2 with how I have been feeling lately. I have started to forgett to take the Zolft, and have been down lately...I wonder if the bell jar is comming down once again...
...SHe mentioned about my mountain climb into the mountains, but I don't know..maybe that is another entry, onto itself...
when the evening is spread out against the sky....
...in the room, the women come and go,
talking of Michelangleo.....
....For I have known them already, known them all--
Have known theevenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons..."
Last night, as Canadian Nurse John, and I headed back to the hotel, I had a wave of thoughts, of choices, of decisions. On how my life is right now... and how i don't care for it. On how upsett I was about the pageant, how I feel alone, and not wanted, and how men really suck. I tried my best to hit on 2 men, and failed missearbly, and I was wondering why I was just trying to get sex, was it because both men were attractive, or was it, because that is all i know.. and at that time, that is all i wanted. I ended up running into Scott (in the back room), and into Canadian Nurse John again in the techno room. He was drunk, anyone who shows up with a cocktal in one hand, a bottle of water in the other, and a cigarrette in my mouth.. drunk. It took all my strength to drag him back to the hotel, and then I ended up getting him completly undressed, (to shorts and briefs) and I didn't look. Although I should of..but I didn't. my dreams last night were odd...from John (my ex) to my god parents in a subway system, to gambleing, food, photos's, and a fight. It was odd......
I jsut wonder if there is someone out there for me, or if not. Or if all I am, is just a big joke.
Maybe I should move, maybe I should this, or that. Right now, I have all these options and none seem to be the right one...
... I have a karla apointment this week. Looking forward to that... although I really should book 2 with how I have been feeling lately. I have started to forgett to take the Zolft, and have been down lately...I wonder if the bell jar is comming down once again...
...SHe mentioned about my mountain climb into the mountains, but I don't know..maybe that is another entry, onto itself...
