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Disapointed
3 January 2006 07:40"Its a great life-if you don't weaken".
"you want answers? I want the truth. I'm entitled to the truth"
I'm quite discouraged and disapointed. When I got the message from my general Practioner that I have "disc disease", it didn't mean shit. Being a neuo-nurse for 5 years, I have had my share of spine patients. Disc disease means shit. Its an umbrella term.
Last night I had a unit secretary look up my appoinment this morning and the indication on the screen said "Herniated disc". Herniated disc, now that means something to me. That speaks volumes.
Of course when I asked on of my collegues, a neurosurgeon P.A., she flatly refused to look up my MRI and give me the results. She of course added, she can't wait to get me into her O.R. so she can tatoo her name on my ass. Lovely.
I understand her reasoning, but I don't agree with the secret language. It took all my strength not to look up the results on my own. I could of easily done it, yet I also could face loosing my job because of it, and at this stage of the game, the more deamons I keep at bay, the better.
But goddamn it, why can't I have the truth. THe phone rang twice reminding me of my appoinment, and everyone seems to be in the light, and I in the dark. I want to know what the fuck is going on.
And Mr. Dave, he was great help, when he told me repeatedly that I should just find a nice desk job at the clinic. A fucking 8-5 desk job. Thank you very fucking much. Seriously, if I want someone to boost up my self-esteem, that definately did the trick.
I'm 29 years old, live alone, active, support myself, and am a nurse. The mere idea or notion that I could leave the bedside as a nurse, scares the living hell out of me. I'm a DAMN good nurse. I belong at the bedside. I'm really scared at what the outcomes of this could be. Very scared.
And my non-medical family has no idea what the hell is going on. I tried to explain it to them, but to no avail. Basically kevin is once again on his own with this one. FUck.
Oh I put on a facade. I try to keep it on the down-low, I'm playing by my own rules, and trying to survive. This won't be the death of me, yet what the future holds I have no clue.
It fucking sucks. One thinks everything is so fine and then WHAM. And it doesn't help that I just got off a 12 hour shift and have a 9:30 a.m. apointment. THis was the earliest. THe next appointment was in FUCKING Febuary. Jesus fucking christ.
I want to look at my MRI. I want the results. I don't want any fucking candy coated shit. I want the fucking truth, and I am damn well entitled to it.
I'm frustated, and disapointed, and the only thing I feel I can do is write about it.
"you want answers? I want the truth. I'm entitled to the truth"
I'm quite discouraged and disapointed. When I got the message from my general Practioner that I have "disc disease", it didn't mean shit. Being a neuo-nurse for 5 years, I have had my share of spine patients. Disc disease means shit. Its an umbrella term.
Last night I had a unit secretary look up my appoinment this morning and the indication on the screen said "Herniated disc". Herniated disc, now that means something to me. That speaks volumes.
Of course when I asked on of my collegues, a neurosurgeon P.A., she flatly refused to look up my MRI and give me the results. She of course added, she can't wait to get me into her O.R. so she can tatoo her name on my ass. Lovely.
I understand her reasoning, but I don't agree with the secret language. It took all my strength not to look up the results on my own. I could of easily done it, yet I also could face loosing my job because of it, and at this stage of the game, the more deamons I keep at bay, the better.
But goddamn it, why can't I have the truth. THe phone rang twice reminding me of my appoinment, and everyone seems to be in the light, and I in the dark. I want to know what the fuck is going on.
And Mr. Dave, he was great help, when he told me repeatedly that I should just find a nice desk job at the clinic. A fucking 8-5 desk job. Thank you very fucking much. Seriously, if I want someone to boost up my self-esteem, that definately did the trick.
I'm 29 years old, live alone, active, support myself, and am a nurse. The mere idea or notion that I could leave the bedside as a nurse, scares the living hell out of me. I'm a DAMN good nurse. I belong at the bedside. I'm really scared at what the outcomes of this could be. Very scared.
And my non-medical family has no idea what the hell is going on. I tried to explain it to them, but to no avail. Basically kevin is once again on his own with this one. FUck.
Oh I put on a facade. I try to keep it on the down-low, I'm playing by my own rules, and trying to survive. This won't be the death of me, yet what the future holds I have no clue.
It fucking sucks. One thinks everything is so fine and then WHAM. And it doesn't help that I just got off a 12 hour shift and have a 9:30 a.m. apointment. THis was the earliest. THe next appointment was in FUCKING Febuary. Jesus fucking christ.
I want to look at my MRI. I want the results. I don't want any fucking candy coated shit. I want the fucking truth, and I am damn well entitled to it.
I'm frustated, and disapointed, and the only thing I feel I can do is write about it.
