Death and the Madian

Anne Bancroft died yesterday. How very sad. She stared in one of my top 3 movies of all time (Torch Song Trilogy). As well as How to make an american quilt, and the superb movie of all time 84 Charing Cross Road. All three deserve viewing. You only get one jewish mother in your life time, and she was mine.

Incidentaly I slept from 9a.m.-6:20 p.m. yesterday. I really don't feel like doing much else.

(no subject)

With 2005 almost 1/2 over, I felt the need to reflect if anything. Specially sparked by comments either I left or recieved from auryn24, and thespian15, not to mention brianparis.

Sent John aka Jingle the INXS Cd that i had bought for him and had all these years. It was 2 years ago in May when we stoped talking, this time on mutual terms and not like the entire Kara (aka My december) incident. Thought, or had a fantasy that he'd write me back, call, drop an email, and life would be the same. It never is, and thus my bait never took, I havn't herad from him.

At best, I've learned more about myself this year, how I relate, act, and what my motivations are, than any other year combined. Moreso looking at myself from another angle and understanding why I do the things I do, or feel the way I do. In part, its been a triumph to deal with the mundane and struggels with work, that has lead me to belive because I am around "people" during my employment, that when I am away from the hospital, there is nothing I enjoy more than being alone. Left alone to my demise. Its my solitude and way of dealing with the frustrations I find in society. I see nothing wrong with that.

At times I feel the majority of "friends", "aquaintences" fail to understand who I am, and in retaliation, seek to keep distance from something (someone) they see as forign and odd. What's left is a very close knit of people who in a way, are on the Titanic, waiting for it either to sink or swim.

Thrown into this mix, of course are my thoughts regarding sex. I'm not a sexual person. Having one night stands-for the sole purpose of getting off, or basing a relationship with someone based on sex, isn't my thing. Sex isn't a basic human need (earth, wind, water, fire). One doesn't need to have an orgasm every day to survive. Gay men, don't NEED to get off. Specifically, when "Kevin" wants me to touch him or lay next to him, I feel uncomfortable. No one tells me what to do. Point blank. No one forces me to do anything. "there will be one mistress in this castle--and no master!! (quote from the movie "Elizabeth"). I am quite content with solo exploration to gratify horniness when it occures. As far as diving into the vast pool of sexual escapes that dwel from gay.com-- quite frankly OVAH IT. Not. My. Thing. I want more than an orgasim. I want someone to respect me for who I am, who I can sit and talk to about odd coversations (Do priests masterbate?-Discuss).

My love lately has been found in artwrok. Therapy during a daze-finding the inner muse and working with it. Creating art out of pure junk. Lovin' it.

My love lately has been creating a home out of a house. Doing the improvments and restoration on my house is one of my greatest pleasures of life.

If the oportunity presented itself, and I was out of debt. I'd sell my possions down to the bare minimum and take off as a bag-abon- traveling... getting lost, exploring the world... finding myself in a haystack... disapearing, becomeing one with earth.. laying in mud, and sleeping by the sea....

bliss...