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Patterns and Bookends
12 April 2005 16:13I wish motivation was a body sprae, so I could reek of it. Needless to say, I have been a MAJOR slug lately, which isn't that big of a deal-except there should be some things I should be trying to get done.
Ran into the infamous lawyer Tom last night on Gay.com. I swear that chat room will be the death of me yet. If I was Niave, I would of believed what he said, but atlas I am not and saw straight through his lies. He said he has tried to contact me either on the net, or by calling me. Caller ID is a wonderful thing, so is voice mail, and none of it came through. Whatever, he's setting a trap so I will sleep with him again. Not going to happen.
IT was good to see Karla again. She took some notes and thought that the medication was a good route to go. I think I might of puzzled her though, yet before I left she said to make an appointment anytime. I think it was around Dec/jan the last time I saw here. I've been going to her since 2001. She knows me fairly well. It bothers me sometimes when there is silence and I have no idea what to say.....
She stated that for as long as she has known me, there has been a pattern, of not sure what to do with the future at hand. A conflict of what next. What's the next goal, the plan of attack. A conflict that continues to bother me.
Society has set up these unoffical landmarks of growing up, of milestones in ones life: Birth, confirmation, graduating high school, graduating college, first job, first car, house, wife, kids, ect. FOr being a single gay man, I feel I have reached the milestones, and am stuck as to what next. Is this it? Have I reached the top of life, there seems to be nothing to work towards anymore, and that bothers me.
I wanted to be a nurse, and made it through college. Although it was trying, I made it through. I have my degree, a job, and have somewhat made a name for myself. I'm somewhat financially stable, living on my own, and have done some amazing things with my life. But now, I find myself stuck. What is the next step? Get busy living, or get busy dying?
I refuse to go back to school. I'm not political. I refuse to put my mind and my body through another 2+ years, just to find myself a nursing educator/instructor, ect. Karla mentioned P.A., which is an idea, however to get back into that world where I have to jump through political hoops just to get a degree, or get ahead in the world. Maybe I'm viewing the whole thing through fuzzy glasses, yet I know how my undergad degree was, and I'm not willing to go back into that world....
Where to go from here.......
Ran into the infamous lawyer Tom last night on Gay.com. I swear that chat room will be the death of me yet. If I was Niave, I would of believed what he said, but atlas I am not and saw straight through his lies. He said he has tried to contact me either on the net, or by calling me. Caller ID is a wonderful thing, so is voice mail, and none of it came through. Whatever, he's setting a trap so I will sleep with him again. Not going to happen.
IT was good to see Karla again. She took some notes and thought that the medication was a good route to go. I think I might of puzzled her though, yet before I left she said to make an appointment anytime. I think it was around Dec/jan the last time I saw here. I've been going to her since 2001. She knows me fairly well. It bothers me sometimes when there is silence and I have no idea what to say.....
She stated that for as long as she has known me, there has been a pattern, of not sure what to do with the future at hand. A conflict of what next. What's the next goal, the plan of attack. A conflict that continues to bother me.
Society has set up these unoffical landmarks of growing up, of milestones in ones life: Birth, confirmation, graduating high school, graduating college, first job, first car, house, wife, kids, ect. FOr being a single gay man, I feel I have reached the milestones, and am stuck as to what next. Is this it? Have I reached the top of life, there seems to be nothing to work towards anymore, and that bothers me.
I wanted to be a nurse, and made it through college. Although it was trying, I made it through. I have my degree, a job, and have somewhat made a name for myself. I'm somewhat financially stable, living on my own, and have done some amazing things with my life. But now, I find myself stuck. What is the next step? Get busy living, or get busy dying?
I refuse to go back to school. I'm not political. I refuse to put my mind and my body through another 2+ years, just to find myself a nursing educator/instructor, ect. Karla mentioned P.A., which is an idea, however to get back into that world where I have to jump through political hoops just to get a degree, or get ahead in the world. Maybe I'm viewing the whole thing through fuzzy glasses, yet I know how my undergad degree was, and I'm not willing to go back into that world....
Where to go from here.......
