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Decisons and Choices
4 August 2003 00:57There are decsions and choices one needs to make. Each impacts the other, and each shapes the future, one by one. Choices and decisions can be good or they can be bad, and can be harder as hell to make.
I'm to the point where decisions and choices need to be made, both professionaly, personally. And at times, I feel that I need to do what is best for me at that time, and not let someone control me...
With that being said, we start where we ended, and hope to end up somewhere inbetween.
Had a Karla Apt on Thursday. Hadn't seen her in awhile, and it was one of my better sessions-I was awake, and not feeling crappy. We talked about my court appearance, Jamie, and my recent HIV test. Karla always had an insight that i lack... almost a 3rd person omniscent point of view. She sees things that I don't, and for that out sessions are priceless. I told her that I don't have a high opion about myself, that when people tell me I am beutiful, or wonderful, it doesn't mean much to me at all. I don't take it as genuine. She thought it was due to a lack of self-esteem, and I think she is right on that one.
I worked friday night. It was a good night, and a nice way to end a 5 day 12 hour shift stretch. Needless to say I was exhuasted and started to get "punchy" by morning's end. Once I got home, I had a plethora of answering machine messages, and it was after 8 a.m. before I even thought of going to bed.
Got into bed, and woke up after 2ish. Got on the road, and ended up taking a detour to thinking a state patrol officer was going to pull me over. I took a little side nap in lewiston and made it to La Crosse by 1700. The problem being..I was supposed to bartend at 1800. It was a rush to get ready and got down to the fest gowns to find out.. that they didn't need me. SO yahtzee. I went back, got finished ready, and then headed back down.
Meanwhile Jamie and family is somewhere in MN trying to find a hotel, and are looking for the pride grounds. I am too busy to help them in this endevor.
After I made it to the fest grounds-the second time and to a round of applause, Jamie tracks me down, to meet his parents. Carol and Rudy-rudy being Jamies step-dad, for his biological dad is in Jail. Rudy is very quiet, later I would talk to him, and understand him being uncomfortable. His mom loved me, told me I was beutiful, and was very personable, as if nothing ever phase her. Jamie seems though to be the backbone to the whole operation, and is very close to his mom-they have been though alot together. Which is warrented.
The pageant itself went fairly well. Although the band that played between us (although kick ass) got on my nerves very quickly, and fucked up some of the cues royally. The pageant went very smooth and alot of people told me I rocked on the mic and did a fabu job. My tips showed it ranking in about 100.00.
Carrie me home won. I have mix feelings about that. Personally I thougth Penny did a better job, and looked better, but then I wasn't a judge. Carrie and penny both need work, but it was a fair compettion, and I am glad that it turned out o.k. ANother record year for attendance when the pageant is on--which was good for us... since the pride fest committee at first abored the idea, and now it is one of the larger crowds gatherers.
After the pageant, it was hurry up, and get up to the bar, and do the whole thing over again. The victory show was fun-short, and did bring some people into the bar-which was my whole goal. I am already getting sick of paying for the soundsystem, and decided that soon, Peg will need to dish out the 35.00 for it, which I think it is worth it in the long run... I wish we didn't have to pay for the sound system, but cest-la vie
Jamie's parents were there, and getting pretty hammreed in the process. Jamie took them home, and by the time he was back, I was pretty much done with drag. WE walked to players, which everyone in the bar had his/her shirt off.. which some should of left it on. I had a really good converstaion with Tom's other half-whose name escapes me, but he told me his bf should put his shirt back on, and how entertaining drag is. He said he got a kick out of it, and understood a part of drag that people usually don't get... that it is apart of gay culture and is pure entertainment.
Afterwards Jamie and i headed back. The last room in the area was at the Ranch hotel--which I find funny because I have thought abotu staying there in the past, but the place is a dump. At least it was a place to crash. We ended up sharing the room with his folks--which was kind of wierd. IN the a.m. I heard them talking--they said they drank too much, and wanted to know what time we got home. THey really didn't say much about me, but I was wondering if I would overhear anything. I said goodbye to them, Jamie and I slept it. We ate in La Crosse, and then headed back to the twincities, since Jamie needed a ride home--so I drove him back.
Got back late sunday, and took a nap, and started to get the apt in order. I started to clean again, which was a good thing, and started to try to make things simpler. I did manage to get some scrapbooking things done. By monday afternoon, it was a rush to get everything in, and done, before I ran up the twin cities again to see Jamie.
Got up there, and I met some more of his friends, talked to his wierd but fun roomate Paul, and then we headed to a play- "I have a republican up my ass" which was funny-and interested since it was in a whole in the wall theater in uptown. Got back home, talked....
I'm to the point where decisions and choices need to be made, both professionaly, personally. And at times, I feel that I need to do what is best for me at that time, and not let someone control me...
With that being said, we start where we ended, and hope to end up somewhere inbetween.
Had a Karla Apt on Thursday. Hadn't seen her in awhile, and it was one of my better sessions-I was awake, and not feeling crappy. We talked about my court appearance, Jamie, and my recent HIV test. Karla always had an insight that i lack... almost a 3rd person omniscent point of view. She sees things that I don't, and for that out sessions are priceless. I told her that I don't have a high opion about myself, that when people tell me I am beutiful, or wonderful, it doesn't mean much to me at all. I don't take it as genuine. She thought it was due to a lack of self-esteem, and I think she is right on that one.
I worked friday night. It was a good night, and a nice way to end a 5 day 12 hour shift stretch. Needless to say I was exhuasted and started to get "punchy" by morning's end. Once I got home, I had a plethora of answering machine messages, and it was after 8 a.m. before I even thought of going to bed.
Got into bed, and woke up after 2ish. Got on the road, and ended up taking a detour to thinking a state patrol officer was going to pull me over. I took a little side nap in lewiston and made it to La Crosse by 1700. The problem being..I was supposed to bartend at 1800. It was a rush to get ready and got down to the fest gowns to find out.. that they didn't need me. SO yahtzee. I went back, got finished ready, and then headed back down.
Meanwhile Jamie and family is somewhere in MN trying to find a hotel, and are looking for the pride grounds. I am too busy to help them in this endevor.
After I made it to the fest grounds-the second time and to a round of applause, Jamie tracks me down, to meet his parents. Carol and Rudy-rudy being Jamies step-dad, for his biological dad is in Jail. Rudy is very quiet, later I would talk to him, and understand him being uncomfortable. His mom loved me, told me I was beutiful, and was very personable, as if nothing ever phase her. Jamie seems though to be the backbone to the whole operation, and is very close to his mom-they have been though alot together. Which is warrented.
The pageant itself went fairly well. Although the band that played between us (although kick ass) got on my nerves very quickly, and fucked up some of the cues royally. The pageant went very smooth and alot of people told me I rocked on the mic and did a fabu job. My tips showed it ranking in about 100.00.
Carrie me home won. I have mix feelings about that. Personally I thougth Penny did a better job, and looked better, but then I wasn't a judge. Carrie and penny both need work, but it was a fair compettion, and I am glad that it turned out o.k. ANother record year for attendance when the pageant is on--which was good for us... since the pride fest committee at first abored the idea, and now it is one of the larger crowds gatherers.
After the pageant, it was hurry up, and get up to the bar, and do the whole thing over again. The victory show was fun-short, and did bring some people into the bar-which was my whole goal. I am already getting sick of paying for the soundsystem, and decided that soon, Peg will need to dish out the 35.00 for it, which I think it is worth it in the long run... I wish we didn't have to pay for the sound system, but cest-la vie
Jamie's parents were there, and getting pretty hammreed in the process. Jamie took them home, and by the time he was back, I was pretty much done with drag. WE walked to players, which everyone in the bar had his/her shirt off.. which some should of left it on. I had a really good converstaion with Tom's other half-whose name escapes me, but he told me his bf should put his shirt back on, and how entertaining drag is. He said he got a kick out of it, and understood a part of drag that people usually don't get... that it is apart of gay culture and is pure entertainment.
Afterwards Jamie and i headed back. The last room in the area was at the Ranch hotel--which I find funny because I have thought abotu staying there in the past, but the place is a dump. At least it was a place to crash. We ended up sharing the room with his folks--which was kind of wierd. IN the a.m. I heard them talking--they said they drank too much, and wanted to know what time we got home. THey really didn't say much about me, but I was wondering if I would overhear anything. I said goodbye to them, Jamie and I slept it. We ate in La Crosse, and then headed back to the twincities, since Jamie needed a ride home--so I drove him back.
Got back late sunday, and took a nap, and started to get the apt in order. I started to clean again, which was a good thing, and started to try to make things simpler. I did manage to get some scrapbooking things done. By monday afternoon, it was a rush to get everything in, and done, before I ran up the twin cities again to see Jamie.
Got up there, and I met some more of his friends, talked to his wierd but fun roomate Paul, and then we headed to a play- "I have a republican up my ass" which was funny-and interested since it was in a whole in the wall theater in uptown. Got back home, talked....
