Mr. Right, or Mr. Right now

Got an e-mail from Deb today. She stated that Tony, was up in arms because he wants to be with someone-- on a partner/relationship basis. He had a hard time dealing with one-night stands and how in the community of La Crosse, WI that lately, seems to be the norm. It struck a nerve with me.

I slept with Tony. Probably wasn't my best judgement call at the time, however it happened, and that was that. I feel strangly, because what if he was Mr. Right, or what if John is Mr. Right. Who is mr. right. My point being, is that I feel as if I was just a one night stand with Tony. Although very attractive, built like a shit brick house, and many other attributes, I have a hard time thinking he is the end all be all. Also he really doesn't know me. My interconnects, what makes me click, what turns me on, or turns me off. He didn't even know I did drag. Not like that is a big deal-- a little known fact, that he didn't even know.

Most, if not all men, one meets is interested in sex. Tony was, john was, the list goes on and on and on...a problem I find is where to meet men. The internet/personal ads/bars. There isn't a real good place to meet men, who are not interested in sex. Also alot of the gay community is surrounded if not grounded in it.. and it's hard to seperate being gay from sex.

I don't know if John is the "one" or if my calling is to be single. i don't mind it. Gives me a hell alot of freedom, and quite frankly I enjoy it. Just me. Me and my cat Pandora.

Kara Lynn Gallenberg

Kara is something that I am going to need to work through. I have a plethora of questions, and not alot of answers. This isn't where I saw us going. In California, I thought alot about her, and our relationship. Basically her. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I blame myself. Yet I was really backed into a corner. She (basicaly florian) but her decsion was that I Could not call her house, because florian didn't like that. And Icouldn't tell her I loved her, because Florian didn't like that. And i couldn't come over because Florian didn't like that. Laurie told me that she tried to come up to see me, and that just didn't pan out because Florian didn't like that. I just seems that he was a major problem in all of this, and I am surprised that Kara didn't stand up for herself. I feel if I was backed into a corner and uable to do anything. Maybe I gave up. Maybe I need to contact her. I just can't see a 7+ year relationship turn to dust in such a small time. It just doesn't make sense to me. She was such a intergal part of my life. I wonder if I pissed her off by seing rustin, or if I should of made a point to see her, or do something for her.

However, since she's been gone, I've learned about myself, gone traveling, been to eruope, Florida, Arizona, California-- for starters. Maybe there is some reason to this and I just don't grasp it yet.

I wonder if it had to do with her being raped. I wonder what she is feeling about that, and if she realizes that I figured out a long time ago what happened out in NYC. Maybe.

I've sold 99.9% of my rem memorablia her and I would collect. I have no pictures of her up. It's too hard to look at them. to difficult. i feel left behind. real left behind.

The Dream

I had to work. I want to say the hospital or country kitchen. Not sure. I was invited to a dance in Kentucky, and my parents were being very odd about it. What ended up happening, was that Ryan, my twin, and I got ready. Who would show up but Kara and a dog. I thougth we would ride in the same car, but as we walked behind my parents house (pine trees, fog), it turned out that Ryan and Kara were going to be in one car, and I in the other. The dog ended up driving. FIguring this out, and getting upsett, I kicked the dog out of the drivers seat. Double lane hiway. I drove, back into platteville, and picked up RIchard Peterson, L.P.N. We drove up mainstreet platteville (it's a cheap thrill), and it was dark outside. I left him out on 28th street. Made it home. Kara and Ryan came back, and i chewed her out. Yelled at her, for not showing up for 2 years, for not contacting me. For leaving the way that it was. I screamed at her. Angry.