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thirteenrocksFirst and formost shouts go out to imyaj, and ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nordicgrrl. It was great to put a name to the face for nordicgrrl, and we have alot in common. What an amazing person. Most importantly, to imyaj, because without her, and her big heart listening to my rant about my day and the trials and tribuations, I would of probably striked a tab with draino (Torch song trilogy reference).
Some history: Met Kim in college, and have met up with him a few times. It has been basically sex, although in phone conversations, he wanted a LTR, and yes most of the time if not all of the time when we meet up sex is somehow introduced or occures. He came back into my life after years of hiatius, and we met, and kind of kept in contact. This week he in in La Crosse working on his dance piece in which he performs on Friday and Saterday. He had been on my case about meeting him in La Crosse, first driving from Ohio, and then on Sunday which didn't work out, Wednesday when I didn't feel like going down at 10:00 p.m., and then tonight. I like him. He has a quirky personallity about him, but the fact that he moves around about every 2 years, and is somewhat unstable and the whole sex thing makes me uneasy. SO last night, wednesday when I didn't make it down, I offered to come down on thrusday at 7:30p.m. to see his rehearsal and then hang out after wards.
Didn't sleep well Wednesday night, and had early morning phone calls to wake me up. Got up and went to my shrink apointment. I infomred her of the patterns I see, of assuming people want me to do something, when really I don't, but I do that based on the assumption. It is a major habit I have of pleasing others and not myself. I think it has been a chronic situation. THus I brought up about seeing kim tonight, and how I didn't really want to drive an hour to La Crosse, to see him, and that I really didn't want to have anything to do with him for lack of better terms. She agreed with me, and told me to do what I seemed right. She has this ability to make me see things that I often don't see. She also made the corellation between being distant with my family at Christmas and then last weekend in Millwaulkee.
Went to work out-I was so out of shape, and then got home, took a nap, and woke up at 6p.m. I decided to hell with it, and drove to la Crosse, to talk to him in person. Of course this was atlas without any cd's in my car. I FUCKING HATE THE RADIO.
Got to La Crosse, and went into the theater at 7:32. I know because I looked at my phone. The theater was DEAD. Black inside, and no one there. I called his phone, but got the voicemail, and hung around till 8. Went to the bar, and left at 8:15. Mike called me, and I drove to Winonia to see him. I got to his hotel at 852 p.m. Mike is an interesting person, and there is something there that illudes me. ALthough seeing pictures of his condo in San Fran.. made me think.. how posh he is. Wine parties, the condo was imaculate, clean, but really didn't show any who he is. He made the comment that what I have in my apt, is a reflection of me, and that is kind of how I Like it. it is who I am. My apt is and always will be my own little haven, refuge if you will.
Talked to mike and we ended up having sex. We snuggled, kissed, and then he got up and took of his shirt, and pulled his pants down. What a nice cock, and built like a shit brick house, and hairy chest, well anyways, we got naked, and we kissed, and the most erotic thing was he licked his hand and then put it on my face, it was something well I enjoyed it.
Although afterwards we slept, and he offered for me to spend the night, I got up, and went out to my car. Kim had called, twice. *additonal note, I got home and kim tried calling me here. I deleted the msg without listening to it*
I hee hawed about calling him, and did call him about 1/2 hour outside of Winona heading north, away from La Crosse. Talked to him about missing him again, and he said that the curtians were down for the first part of the performance. O.k. I may buy that, but the theater was DEAD. Not dead, but dead dead. I saw no life there. I told him taht I Just felt that we were not connecting. He mentioned about me going back to la crosse that night, and I kind of said about lunch tomarrow (my defense mechinisms in full force), and I said that we were not connecting. THe conversation kind of left at, well call me if you come into town tonight.
I don't see why playing this swan song will help in the end. why lead someone on. WHy play this game, when I know it is not going anywhere. I am not gong to move to some area, just because of a guy.
By the time I got back to ROchester, I was up in arms. Did I do the right thing, or not. THank god for Imyaj who was at the viking lounge and who was able to make things straight. If people call me a bitch, then I am a bitch. I can not make everyone happy or try to. I have to do what I need to do for myself, and not anyone else. I need to break that pattern of trying to please everyone, or playing these games. I need to start taking control of my life. And it won't be easy.
So what if I pissed Kim off. So what. What is that going to matter in 20 years. It won't. I have to do for Kevin, what is good for kevin, and fuck everyone else.
Just FUCK IT, and you'll be o.k.
Keep everything simple and your'll do o.k. just go where the day takes you.
nordicgrrl. It was great to put a name to the face for nordicgrrl, and we have alot in common. What an amazing person. Most importantly, to imyaj, because without her, and her big heart listening to my rant about my day and the trials and tribuations, I would of probably striked a tab with draino (Torch song trilogy reference).Some history: Met Kim in college, and have met up with him a few times. It has been basically sex, although in phone conversations, he wanted a LTR, and yes most of the time if not all of the time when we meet up sex is somehow introduced or occures. He came back into my life after years of hiatius, and we met, and kind of kept in contact. This week he in in La Crosse working on his dance piece in which he performs on Friday and Saterday. He had been on my case about meeting him in La Crosse, first driving from Ohio, and then on Sunday which didn't work out, Wednesday when I didn't feel like going down at 10:00 p.m., and then tonight. I like him. He has a quirky personallity about him, but the fact that he moves around about every 2 years, and is somewhat unstable and the whole sex thing makes me uneasy. SO last night, wednesday when I didn't make it down, I offered to come down on thrusday at 7:30p.m. to see his rehearsal and then hang out after wards.
Didn't sleep well Wednesday night, and had early morning phone calls to wake me up. Got up and went to my shrink apointment. I infomred her of the patterns I see, of assuming people want me to do something, when really I don't, but I do that based on the assumption. It is a major habit I have of pleasing others and not myself. I think it has been a chronic situation. THus I brought up about seeing kim tonight, and how I didn't really want to drive an hour to La Crosse, to see him, and that I really didn't want to have anything to do with him for lack of better terms. She agreed with me, and told me to do what I seemed right. She has this ability to make me see things that I often don't see. She also made the corellation between being distant with my family at Christmas and then last weekend in Millwaulkee.
Went to work out-I was so out of shape, and then got home, took a nap, and woke up at 6p.m. I decided to hell with it, and drove to la Crosse, to talk to him in person. Of course this was atlas without any cd's in my car. I FUCKING HATE THE RADIO.
Got to La Crosse, and went into the theater at 7:32. I know because I looked at my phone. The theater was DEAD. Black inside, and no one there. I called his phone, but got the voicemail, and hung around till 8. Went to the bar, and left at 8:15. Mike called me, and I drove to Winonia to see him. I got to his hotel at 852 p.m. Mike is an interesting person, and there is something there that illudes me. ALthough seeing pictures of his condo in San Fran.. made me think.. how posh he is. Wine parties, the condo was imaculate, clean, but really didn't show any who he is. He made the comment that what I have in my apt, is a reflection of me, and that is kind of how I Like it. it is who I am. My apt is and always will be my own little haven, refuge if you will.
Talked to mike and we ended up having sex. We snuggled, kissed, and then he got up and took of his shirt, and pulled his pants down. What a nice cock, and built like a shit brick house, and hairy chest, well anyways, we got naked, and we kissed, and the most erotic thing was he licked his hand and then put it on my face, it was something well I enjoyed it.
Although afterwards we slept, and he offered for me to spend the night, I got up, and went out to my car. Kim had called, twice. *additonal note, I got home and kim tried calling me here. I deleted the msg without listening to it*
I hee hawed about calling him, and did call him about 1/2 hour outside of Winona heading north, away from La Crosse. Talked to him about missing him again, and he said that the curtians were down for the first part of the performance. O.k. I may buy that, but the theater was DEAD. Not dead, but dead dead. I saw no life there. I told him taht I Just felt that we were not connecting. He mentioned about me going back to la crosse that night, and I kind of said about lunch tomarrow (my defense mechinisms in full force), and I said that we were not connecting. THe conversation kind of left at, well call me if you come into town tonight.
I don't see why playing this swan song will help in the end. why lead someone on. WHy play this game, when I know it is not going anywhere. I am not gong to move to some area, just because of a guy.
By the time I got back to ROchester, I was up in arms. Did I do the right thing, or not. THank god for Imyaj who was at the viking lounge and who was able to make things straight. If people call me a bitch, then I am a bitch. I can not make everyone happy or try to. I have to do what I need to do for myself, and not anyone else. I need to break that pattern of trying to please everyone, or playing these games. I need to start taking control of my life. And it won't be easy.
So what if I pissed Kim off. So what. What is that going to matter in 20 years. It won't. I have to do for Kevin, what is good for kevin, and fuck everyone else.
Just FUCK IT, and you'll be o.k.
Keep everything simple and your'll do o.k. just go where the day takes you.
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Thinking of you...
Date: 26 Mar 2004 15:47 (UTC)I hope your day is going better today. Call me if you need anything. Thinking about you. You are a WONDERFUL person, don't forget that.
Imyaj
no subject
Date: 26 Mar 2004 16:12 (UTC)